The 50 unsexiest things about the 50 Shades of Grey trailer

On Thursday, Universal released the first official trailer for 50 Shades of Grey, the movie based on the unbelievably successful book of the same name by E.L. James. In the film, Jamie Dornan stars as Christian Grey, the BDSM-loving business magnate who woos the virginal Ana Steele (Dakota Johnson) into an erotic relationship. We watched the trailer and, unlike Ms. Steele, we didn’t find ourselves especially turned on. Here’s why:

1. Ugly oversized jacket. Knee-length skirt. Grey tights. Ana Steele is an overgrown 9th grader.

2. The reception area at Grey Enterprises is literally grey. Boring and clinical and not very savvy marketing, guys!

3. Company logo in Times New Roman. Wes Anderson just died.

4. The dowdy fit of the receptionist’s business casual suit jacket. Which is also grey.

5. OVERSIZED CARDIGAN.

6. The Ikea art on the back wall of Grey’s office.

7. The gigantic blocks of wood in Grey’s office.

8. The size of Grey’s office (ok, maybe we’re just jealous).

9. Sepia? Sepia.

10. Ana Steele’s “couple of questions,” probably: Why are you looking at me like that? Can you stop looking at me like that?

11. So, when Christian Grey fades out of focus as he sits down, is Ana passing out? Just overcome by his sexy grey sexiness?

12. “Really intimidating” is generally how a movie trailer might introduce its menacing antagonist, not primary love interest. Oh wait.

13. “There’s really not that much to know about me. I mean, look at me: I’m just a working journalist in a major city interviewing a high-powered CEO for a profile that everyone will want to read. Nothing of interest at all going on here. No accomplishments to speak of.”

14. “I am looking at you, and you are looking like the kind of person who will benefit greatly from sexual validation.”

15. Wait, hold on, she’s a journalist? Oh heavens, this whole thing is an ethical nightmare.

16. If the whole world didn’t know any better, by the time that elevator closes, that woman has just met her worst enemy.

17. Empty earring holes. COME ON, LADY.

18. Nothing says “I am wooing you” like a ride in your Times New Roman-emblazoned helicopter before some good old fashioned elevator hanky-panky.

19. “The blinding fluorescent light in this elevator is totally turning me on right now,” said nobody ever.

20. What’s up with all the elevators, anyway?

21. Is this movie set in the early ’90s? Because Christian Grey’s hairstyle thinks it is.

22. I think that’s a DOUBLE Windsor. More evidence that Grey is a time traveller from the ‘90s

23. A better response to “I exercise control in all things” might be “That must be pretty lonely.”

24. Halfway in, and we haven’t heard the female lead’s full or first name even once. (I’m pretty sure Jamie Dornan calls her Ms. Deal at one point.)

25. “I’m incapable of leaving you alone.” Edward “own personal brand of heroin” Cullen strikes again.

26. “So then don’t.” Oh.

27. The elevator kiss reveals one big thing: In lieu of sideburns, Christian Grey keeps some wispy bits of hair at his temples. Were no-sideburns a thing in the ’90s?

28. It also reveals that when you are a man you may physically pounce on an unsuspecting lady while the two of you are alone in an enclosed space, and that this sort of thing is super sexy and will sell millions of books in several different languages.

29. TOGA PARTY

30. Let me guess, he’s playing Debussy on that grand piano. Au clair de lune, obv.

31. The number of girls’ nights happening at movie theatres on Valentine’s Day this year is going to be craaaazy.

32. Isn’t it also crazy that softcore Twilight fan-fiction can be reasonably and accurately described as a “worldwide phenomenon”? What a time to be alive!

33. Grey running in the (grey) hoodie, mirroring Dornan’s character in The Fall. Not a good parallel to create here.

34. Jealous, controlling and violent? What a catch.

35. Everyone loves getting groped under the table with their parents watching, right? (Not right.)

36. Here’s an idea: watch this trailer with the sound off.

37. Christian Grey doesn’t do romance, but he does do top-floor real estate.
38. The lack of varied facial expression here is stunning. We get fear and menace and, sometimes, flying in a plane.

39. “I need you. But stay away. But let me show you my torture dungeon. You’ll never understand.”

40. When do we get to find out about Ana’s newspaper article?

41. Spoiler alert: In the book of the same name, Christian Grey asks Ana Steele to sign a non-disclosure agreement before they sleep together. In the trailer, he describes himself as a control freak with violent tendencies and commitment issues. Kind of makes American Psycho look like Anne of Green Gables.

42. And yet, it qualifies as romance.

43. The ‘90s attack again in the form of those stonewash jeans.

44. Least bad-ass BDSM blindfold ever.

45. FYI, this movie involves bondage. Here’s a bondage montage.

46. And in the middle of this bondage montage (bontage?) is a shot of Christian Grey carrying his unconscious sexy plaything down a hallway. Can’t even make a joke here. It is a horrible juxtaposition.

47. Greasy bangs are not a good look, Ms. … Deal, not even in the context of kinky sex

48. Is that a pimple on your chest, Mr. Grey?

49. Not only did Beyoncé license her first solo hit for use in this trailer, but she created an “exclusive version,” for it. Even gods make mistakes.

50. The promotional website for 50 Shades of Grey asks you to sign up for “Christian Grey’s internship program” which promises the chance to “Earn badges, share your progress, and climb the intern ladder.” Somebody call HR